This too SHALL pass...and if it doesn't, PASS it.

Today I exchanged a conversation with another parent about our babies being in NICU. It brought a flood of emotions.

The day Jack was born my mind was blown and I was instantly terrified. For a moment I wanted to ask the doctor to put him back in there where he was safe from harm. No woman thinks like this I'm certain. Most women want that baby OUT by the time that day rolls around. I wanted him back IN.

I liked him in there all safe and sound and cozy. I liked being the person solely responsible for protecting him. When the nurse came to me to tell me his breathing was distressed and she needed to take him, I wanted him back in there IMMEDIATELY. I studied his face. What if...what if they got him mixed up with another baby? What if they didn't take care of him like I would take care of him? What if he needed me? He needs me. I have all of this on video, but I'm still to afraid to watch it. I'm afraid of what it will do to me to relive that experience of the most beautiful experience in life turning so ugly.

"I'm HIS mother. I'm HIS mother," I felt like screaming.

I laid helpless on the bed while they wheeled my 5-minute-old child away. The only moment I remember feeling that scared was when they wheeled my mom into surgery. I wouldn't relive that experience either.

I was terrified, but I didn't want anyone else to know. I was so scared in that moment. I just wanted someone to punch me out so I could recover and get to my baby. Suddenly every moment that lead up to that moment felt wrong. Life was at a standstill.

Eventually I recovered and I got to him and he was fine and just as beautiful as I remembered and all of those terrible emotions I felt in that terrible moment melted away and we made it together as a family. We somehow made it through those first four days in NICU together and we went home and today...

Today Jack is 19 months and happy and healthy and incredible and everything a mother would wish for her son. Today he still holds my entire heart in his tiny hand just like he did the very first time I realized he was growing inside me.