We Bought a House

I have this ongoing nightmare that something is wrong with you and I can't fix it. I am so lost and confused and helpless in my dream. I keep running toward you, but I can't reach you. I can't reach you. I wake up and walk into your room where I find you sleeping peacefully.

It is a Sunday afternoon. You are sleeping peacefully. I haven't written in a while because my mind has been on overdrive and I can't seem to piece the words together like I can when my head is clear.

We bought a house.

It's exciting and overwhelming and amazing to literally move to this next phase in life, but there are some things I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid I won't find you the right child care. I love where we are now. It's comfortable and easy and I'm secure you are in good care when I can't be with you. I'm scared I won't find the right fit for you like you have now.

I'm afraid we won't have amazing neighbors like we have now. Right now I can walk next door and know that if I needed a cup of milk or $100, the neighbors would have our back. They look out for us. They are good neighbors. They are good people.

I'm afraid you won't get into the magnet school. The new house is a block away from the best magnet school in the country and I'm scared you won't get in.

I'm afraid you won't remember this house, the house we brought you home to, the house that I once considered my greatest accomplishment (before you arrived of course).

I'm afraid of being afraid of all these things and at the same time I'm so excited. I'm excited to put you in the stroller and walk to the grocery store. I'm excited to meet new people, to make friends with the new neighbors.

I'm excited to ride my bike to the movies on a Sunday afternoon.

I'm excited to be 5.7 miles from work. I'm excited to design a new house from the inside out. I'm excited to sit on the back patio of the tudor style home that looks like it belongs in London and pretend I'm in London.

I'm excited to have a sun room to write in that overlooks a street. I'm excited to have a walk-in closet with stained glass that also overlooks the street. I'm excited to be in the heart of the city where things happen and people want to be.

I'm really excited and I'm afraid and I trust that it's going to be extraordinary. You're cooing and waking up from your nap. I'm excited to be with you for the rest of the day.