Keep Calm, Rock On

I didn't take a lot of pictures of you when you were first born. The mental images of you in the NICU were too painful. I didn't want to remember your first days on earth that way. It hurt too much. But now as I reflect on those days, I am proud of us. You fought through it and I became a stronger person, a stronger mom. Luckily my mom snapped some pictures.

Deep breath. Big sigh. A little bit of a childish huff met with a whimper.

Here we are. The day has arrived. The time has come. It's here. IT'S here. IT'S HERE. On this very day you have turned 6 months. SIX MONTHS. You are six months old today. And there are some things I want to tell you on your 6 month birthday.

At this amazing accomplishment of you turning 6 months, I'm torn. I want you to do all these cool things the big kids are doing. I want you to explore the world. I want you to say mama. I want you to read and write and walk. I want pick up sticks and run through the woods. I want you to figure out who you are. Who you want to be. I want all of these things for you.

But in this very moment I want you to be small and to need me. I want to be the one who calms you in the storm when you're feeling a little insecure in a stranger's arms, the one who still has to hold your bottle and snuggle you early in the morning. I want to be your only method of transportation from point A to point B. From Point C to point D. I want to be the one can provide food for you even during a famine (because famines do exist).

Today at 6 months, you're starting to hold your own bottle. You're inching forward on your little belly. You're comfortable in stranger's arms as long as you are fed. You're starting not to need me as much and as much as I'm holding back the tears I know this is a right of passage. You will continue to grow up and I will continue to let go.

I realize these emotions are ridiculous, but they are raw and they are real and it's how I'm feeling today, on your 6 month birthday. As you reach your milestones in your 0-1 life, I want you to know I've reached many milestones right alongside of you.

Since I met you...

• I'm more calm. I read babies can take on your energy in the womb and it can translate to life outside of the womb. If you are a stressed out basket case, chances are your baby may have anxiety later in life. So I stayed calm. I did yoga, I meditated, I took long bubble baths, I did all the things calm people were doing and it worked. You are a chill baby. You are calm. I make an honest effort to remain calm. No matter how rushed I am in the morning, I slow down and take a breath before I see you. I'm more calm because of you.

• I'm happier than I have ever been. You are like a drug to me. When I see you, this feeling of complete contentment comes over me. Nothing can affect that feeling. Nothing can impact the way I feel when I'm with you. I hope I do the same thing for you because this depth of my the bond I feel with you is indescribable.

• I live more in the moment.  Last weekend we drove across the great state of Indiana. We were on a road I'd never been on and I glanced in the rear view mirror and you were staring out the window smiling. This made me smile so big. I glanced out the front window and the perfect sky and the perfect fields full of yellow. I was more in that moment than I think I had ever been catching a glimpse of you in the rear view mirror smiling as you stared out the window.

• I love harder. I've always been madly in love with your father, but I love him differently now. I love him from a place I've never loved before. Watching him with you makes me fall in love him over and over and over again. Watching him with you makes my little heart beat a little faster. Watching him with you makes me build electric fences around our little family unit. If anyone tries to hurt us, they are going DOWN. 

You're a great soul, Little Jack. I can just feel it.

And I conclude with my favorite words from The National. 

You know I dreamed about you, 29 years before I saw you. You know I dreamed about you, 29 years before I saw you. You know I dreamed about you, I missed you for 29 years.