Who You Are at 1.5

You are becoming a little boy. Every so often, you will look up at me with those puffy cheeks with tiny dimples and you'll smile at me which makes me melt into a puddle on the floor.

You like shoes.

And socks.

And hats. We ask you where your hat is before we leave the house on the weekends. You put your hands to your head and if you don't feel your hat you run around the house frantically until you find it.

You love Play doh. I don't mean love in a sorta kinda like kind of way. I mean LOVE. The minute you walk in the door you ask for "Apple" which i have determined to mean play doh in your language because the minute I get it out your eyes light up and you plop yourself on my lap giggling and screaming "Apple! Apple!" You LOVE play doh. Who am I kidding? I love it too.

You talk a lot. Sometimes we understand it. Sometimes we don't.

You sing.

And dance anytime you hear a beat.

You look up at the "moon" in the morning and shout "moon." I have learned this is something you do with your Dad when he drops you off at school. I adore that you do this. I adore he taught you this.

You love the dogs. You prefer to sit on them. Johnny likes it. Myles doesn't, but he can't hear and that's why. You scare him a little.

You love being chased. You could play this game all day which is great exercise.

You sing on walks and touch trees. I LOVE it when you do this.

You love planes. You can spot planes I don't even see. You shout "plane." I like to think you learned this the day we laid in the back yard and counted planes. I like to think I taught you about planes.

You tell people you love them on the phone and say thank you when I give you food or a bottle. I find this incredibly endearing. Tonight at Target you shrugged your shoulders and thanked the cashier. It made his day. I know it.

You slap me with an open hand. I'm not proud writing this, but I have to be honest about who you are in this present moment in time. This has subsided since I started threatening Time Outs.

You understand saying goodbye and you plant an open mouth kiss on me. It's one of my favorite moments of the day until you leave and then I feel empty and sad only for a minute.

You stare up at me every night before you roll over and doze off. You wait for me to tell me how much I love you. It's like you know it's a part of the routine. You know I need it as much as you.

You are the rainbow in my sky. Some day I'll explain to you the significance of this, but you won't understand it until you're staring at your own 1.5 year-old just like I stare at you.

The rainbow in my sky.

Where have you gone?

Tonight I rocked a nearly one-year-old to sleep. As her eyelids fluttered down, it hit me. You were here just eight short months ago. You were making the same mousey sounds while slurping your bottle down like a marathon runner at a water stop. This was you curled up in my arms kneading my hand cuddled in so tight.

This was you.

And now...you don't take a bottle. You look me in the eye and say "night, night" when you want to go down. You ask for your "ba-ba" which is just a sippy cup full of milk. You hurl it across the room when you're done (which usually results in milk splatters everywhere). You only enjoy being held when you're sick which is bittersweet for the two people who love you the most. You still need me, but you don't NEED me like you used to.

They told me this would happen. It would be gone with the blink of an eye. You would be a young man before I knew it. And they were right. You are growing like the ridiculous weed in the front yard that was nearly the size of a small tree this morning. The weed I can't seem to pull because it somehow reminds me how fast life unfolds.

This was you. This will always be you: the tiny baby who taught me the true meaning of life: humility, kindness, patience and a love so deep it hurts.

This was you.

So This is How It Feels

It hit me in the x-ray room.

Here we are with this tiny person who still doesn't have a real voice, who can't yet just say how he feels on a crappy day where all he wants is to be pulled so tightly into his mom or dad's chest.

That's the moment it hit me as you stood there in your diaper and a large machine took a picture of your chest.

That's the moment it hit me. We were going to get a glimpse of my worst fear, of the reason you were taken from me during your first days on earth. We were finally going to see your lungs. And then we would know the truth. And then all the recent restless nights and middle of the day worry sessions would finally have an answer.

Why can't you breathe like the rest of us? Why is it so hard for you? Why do you cough in the  middle of the night sending your Dad into a panic where he just can't seem to go back to sleep. Why? Why are you so tired and out of breath after one lap around the room. Why?

That's the moment it hit me. In the x-ray room. You were so good, like you had done this before. Probably because you had three times. On your first day on earth, your second day on earth and finally your third. You were an old pro at x-rays. You were a pro with being poked and prodded and pulled because that was your introduction to the world...in the NICU.

That's when it hit me. And as I sit here patiently waiting the results from the x-ray, I realize this is what it feels like to be half alive and half in a mysterious space where you know your heart is still beating, but you don't feel all the way there. Like you half believe you'll get good news, but your brain is training you to be prepared for bad news.

So this is what it feels like to be half alive waiting to find out what is wrong with your child? I don't want to stay here long.

Lemons

Lemons. They have always been beautiful to me. The color. The texture. The shape. The way they smell when you cut them open. The way they wake you up.

Lemons. They're sunshine. They're bright.

Lemons. I like em.

Renovation Before&Afters

To know where you are going, you must first understand where you have been. It occurred to me, I forgot to post BEFORE pictures of the renovation.

Renovation task list (also known as the longest Honey Do list in our years of wedded bliss):

• Gut downstairs bath
• Gut upstairs bath 
• Give kitchen a facelift-new appliances, backsplash, crown molding, paint, countertops 
• Refinish kitchen floors
• Replace carpet in sun room
• Remove carpet on stairs and upstairs hallway
• Refinish upstairs floors and stairs
• Clean up basement
• Crown molding in sun room
• Crown molding in dining room
• Fan in living room
• Functional master closet

Basement Before: 

Basement After:

Stairs Before/After

Sun Room before/after:

Dining room before/after: 

Living room before/after

Downtairs bath before/after

Kitchen Before/After

Master Bedroom before/after:

Upstairs bath before/after:

Guest bedroom before/after

Jack's room before/after:

Oh, you want to see the outside too? It's not done yet, you jerk. :)